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I was sitting with a friend at a bar, and pointed at two old ugly drunks sitting across the bar from us and said, "That's us in 15 years" My friend said, "That's a mirror you idiot"

According to my wife, my wits have been steadily decreasing to the point where they are only about 50% their original. Also:

Love it.

I just checked my homeowner's policy and discovered that if someone takes my blanket in the middle of the night, I'm not covered.

Pretty much. Yep.

You guyz over der in the East are taking this legalized pot way too seriously... "New 3,000-foot floating boardwalk allows visitors to "walk on water" in Massachusetts" https://www.cbsnews.com/boston/news/marlboro-massachusetts-floating-boardwalk/

Be careful out there folks. It’s “drop a house on a witch” weather, and some of y’all don’t need to take any chances.

Yeah, but absolutely no mention of VR or hacking NORAD.

Hey @paulthenurse , is this you after getting biffed into the woods?

Someone needs to have a chat about cause and effect. And simple intelligence.

excellent groan. most excellent

I think the exotherm has happened.

Good lord that’s a mouthful of acronymic grape nuts to chew through, @day_trippr !

Cran-ApfelWein

No, I think they are saying “All your base is belong to us”

There's nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul. In a glass. With celery. And vodka.