Stupid Joke Thread!

[Broken Crow]

Not a child lock, but an adult-proof lock. Designed to keep the husband from going down to the pub!

View attachment 847699

Zero effectivity, but cute...

Could be made effective by putting it on the outside in order to get a good uninterrupted sleep.

 

[homebeerbrewer]

I was going to share a joke about hotels, but I have reservations.

 

[day_trippr]

"Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds. They’ve left no tern unstoned."

 

[homebeerbrewer]

 

[homebeerbrewer]

I was going to share a joke about Alzheimers, but I forgot it.

 

[John Ha]

When I lived in Texas, I often worked around outside on the weekends; fixing stuff, mowing, trimming trees, clearing fence lines, and the like.

One day, one of my neighbors, whom I had not met, walked over and introduced himself.

We chatted for a few minutes, getting to know a little about each other, when he finally said, "I see you working out here a lot and you seem to be pretty handy. I've got a little project going and I was hoping you might have a tuba I could borrow."

"A tuba?", I said, with a puzzled look on my face.

"A tuba", he reaffirmed.

I thought for a minute and replied, "Well, I'm sorry but I don't have a tuba. I have a guitar that you're welcome to borrow though."

He said, "No, no! I need a TUBA. You know. Lumber. I need a tuba four."

 

[BeerAndTele]

I’ve been going through a tough time at work lately. Yesterday I came home, feeling frustrated, and my wife - sensing my despair - put a reassuring hand on my shoulder and said, “Earth.” I know it sounds strange, but it meant the world to me.

 

[Rish]

"That's the last time I'll ever screw around with an alligator," my friend said offhandedly.

 

[Novacor]

I was at a restaurant the other day looking at the menu. The waitress came over and asked if I knew what I wanted. I said “Yes, I’ll have a quickie”. She got angry and slapped me and stormed off.

Apparently that's not how you pronounce quiche.

 

[homebeerbrewer]

Some people can’t distinguish between etymology and entomology. They bug me in ways I can’t put into words

 

[John Ha]

 

[John Ha]

 

[betarhoalphadelta]

View attachment 848144

LOL. My first car was a 1985 1/2 Ford Escort. What a POS.

 

[balrog]

What has four letters, sometimes has nine, but never has five

 

[Kee]

I need a TUBA. You know. Lumber. I need a tuba four."

A guy I knew (he's not from Texas) walked into a lumber supply store and asked for a certain amount of 2 x 4s. The employee asked "how long do you want them"?

"I need them for a long time. I'm building a barn".

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[Sailingeric]

A penguin is driving around town when all of a sudden his car begins to spluter and die out. He drives into the nearest service station and tells the mechanic there about the hassles he's having. The machanic gives his car a quick once over, and says to him "This should take about half an hour - come back and pick it up then".
Penguins being the frigid creatures they are, he decided to grab himself an ice cream while he is waiting. He buys the biggest, creamiest vanilla ice cream money can buy, and lacking an opposable thumb, pushes his face into it to eat it. Ice cream goes everywhere - all over the floor, all over the counter, all over his face. He takes a quick look at his watch and realises he's late, so forgoing the clean up, he races back to the mechanic.
When he gets there, the mechanic looks him up and down, and says "Well, it's not pretty, but it looks like you've blown a seal."
To which the penguin replies "Nah mate, it's just ice cream."

 

[balrog]

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[AkTom]

When does your horse talk to you?

Whinny wants to.

 

[BongoYodeler]

Mikel bought a camel from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the camel the next day.
In the morning he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The camel's died.'

Mikel replied, 'Well just give me my money back then.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Mikel said, 'OK then, just bring me the dead camel.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Mikel said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead camel!'
Mikel said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.
I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Mikel and asked, 'What happened with that dead camel?'
Mikel said, 'I raffled him off.
I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898′
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Mikel said, 'Just the guy who won.
So I gave him his $2 back.'

 

[fluketamer]

not a joke - true story but funny as hell

a patient told me today she eats raw eggs every day for breakfast.
i told her its prolly too much cholesterol and that raw eggs can carry salmonella.

she said dont worry they are pasture raised.