A lot of these responses are based on what I've presented as being cut and dry. What I presented is absolutely one sided, written out of pain and anger, and as such I'm sure it's painting her in as bad of a light as possible. We've had our discussion for tonight and didn't really get anywhere with it. She seems to think I'm crazy and I think she's either very stupid, very naive, or doesn't want to admit to what is happening. I actually think it's some of all 3 of those. She and I will be discussing it tomorrow again and from a slightly different approach.
That is what I was thinking.
although and that is a huge although...
here is a female perspective on this issue:
Loyalty and Trust are most valuable components to a serious relationship.
I could never trust her again! No matter what she comes up with now.
Once there is a crack, it can't be mended.
It is like take a cup, smash it to the floor. Is is broken? Yes. Now say I am sorry and explain why you smashed it. Is it whole again? No. see?
When I am in a relationship I am totally immune to flirting or approaches from other guys. If I am not - something is utterly wrong in my relationship and I end it instantly. If I want something other, than I have, I won't find it, where I have something different, I will subconsciously always look elsewhere.
She needs something you can't give her. Face the fact.
And she will always fall for that "something" if it is within reach elsewhere.
No talking this over or explaining or digging for underlying causes will change this UNLESS she herself figures out, that what she has with you is more important to her, than what she presumably lacks...
Thats not a matter of talking or understanding, thats a matter of respect and valuation and obv. she does not have either for you or your marriage because none of this would have happened, if she did.
She might figure it out, once you are not a part of her life anymore... she might.
I can only speak for myself. It happened exactly once that I was dating someone and felt attracted to another guy. And the Moment that happened, like literally the evening of that day, that I found myself having a conversation with a stranger that touched me on a emotional basis where it should not have, while I was with someone, I broke up with that guy.
No talking no explanation needed. He wasn't "the one". Period.
and if you are someone who values trust and loyalty you need to have a partner who is "the one" for you and you need to know that you are the same to them.
Lots of relationships out there functioning on a different basis with a different set of tools - yes. Although from what you are saying so far it seems like the basis you need is trust, so a different approach to a relationship won't be something that you can be utterly happy with.
To close the circle here: the trust is quite blemished so I do not really see a way to get out of this except for a radical cut.